smiling has healing powers. those slight movements of the lips remind you of the life within. and if by some luck the shape of your mouth makes another's eyes glisten you know you are saved. it is within those muscle movements we redeem ourselves. they are the simplest form of joy and celebration. one that transcends gender, culture and time. we all feel safe within the folds of a true smile; a true smile makes children of us.

don't think me strange if you see me in the corner trying to pin a smile on my face. i am merely reminding myself that i have the technology to laugh and love, and  that my lack of communication with the joy of life is an illusion. my face knows, my lips remember. i am just trying to warm up the muscles so i can make my way back home.

and here is a song my lips sing to my soul when joy feels like a distant star i saw fall:  Del Amitri- Tell her this

because the night belongs to lovers

i don't like doors that are left ajar.
i like them shut tight and locked
or wide open for elephants and such.

let's go shopping for top hats and helium balloons.
sanity is overrated, won't you help me tear a hole through?

i wanna go where cats tango and peaches sing.
i wanna go where love is the shark we keep.

would i still be considered "played" if i knew about the game all along?

i wish i could tell him how right he was; he would have liked that.
now that i am breathless, i am sure we were nothing but thin air.

some mornings i wake up as a silly girl;
determined to touch something that i can never reach.

(i am crashed to mute by the sentences unformed
a thousand words cancel each other out)
i am a scream echoing through the valley
i have to write for you to hear me

we all need somebody to believe in us;
that somebody opens up the communication lines with the mirrors.
then it is up to us to keep seeing ourselves as the unique treasures we have been all along.

i've been putting this off for too long.
i almost did it once,
i can finish it this time.

i will learn to live; so help me Gaia.

boy

he said "you look happy. you look grounded. you look together." 

i never took his observations seriously. he is not the kind to pay much attention to anyone but himself. every opinion he voices is a mirror image of his own reality. he sees the world as he feels himself to be, he feels others as he himself wishes to be seen.

as he kept on comparing me to the woman he once knew, i got chills down my spine. either he had it all wrong, or i was confused about my own personal evolution.

maybe i am better now, for back then i didn't even know i was lost. maybe i am happy now, for back then i couldn't even hear my own voice. maybe i am not as scattered as i believe myself to be, for now i know exactly where each obstacle stands, and i know which part of me is stuck behind each one of them.

"i wish i were more like you." i wanted to let out a hyena laugh upon that sentence. i just said "you don't know me very well." i didn't want to get into the list of my inabilities and insecurities with him. he got offended, i saw it in his eyes. he thought he knew me well. he thought he knew me better than most. he thought the connection we shared would never be lost. i didn't want to tell him all those things i never said to him. the time and the place for that conversation was forever lost. and i didn't care much to be understood by him anymore. i went into the kitchen to get more tea, by the time i got back he would have returned his thoughts back to his life. by the time i got back, he had already started talking about all the mean things the universe was doing to him.

he said "i love talking to you." i smiled. he still didn't know the difference between "talking to" and "talking at."

"i can't talk to my girlfriend like i can talk to you." i didn't hold back my reply this time, there were some things he needed to hear. "you can't talk to her like this, because you are afraid she is going to catch you on your many lies. it is your fault, not hers." he tried to protest, he tried to convince himself that he doesn't lie to her that much. i asked a simple question "does she know you are here right now?" of course not, of course she didn't. he had lied again, and he had lied about something that doesn't need to be a secret. he started on his usual speech about personal freedoms, and avoiding conflicts. my lips smiled, but he saw the annoyance in my eyes.

the protector in me wanted to give her a call and tell her. i wanted her to know who she was dealing with. but she probably knew, he has never been a good liar. he always sounds sketchy when he lies. plus some women do not like their delusional bubbles to burst. furthermore it was quite possible i would end up feeling responsible for causing drama, it was quite possible i would end up having to solve something that had nothing to do with me.

i took a deep breath and continued with my silent listening. he talked a bit more.

he had wanted to come here last night just to prove himself that he was the kind of man who can be friends with his exes. he had wanted to make sure i didn't hate him. he never quite understood the fact that i never loved him enough to hate him when it was over. i was merely annoyed. that's all he had managed to cause within me, annoyance. his ego was hurt because i never reached out to him on my own. his ego was bruised because i never craved for his company. he called me every few months because he was curious, i agreed to see him every few months because i was eager to understand my history. 

with every passing day, i forget more and more of my past. i get so drowned in my current worries that i ignore where i used to be. i get so angry for all the things i can't seem to manage, i cease to be grateful for who i am.

"funny" he said, as he was putting on his shoes "on paper, i am the one who has been moving forward, new job&long-term relationship; but in reality you are the one who has gone through metamorphosis, not i." a final observation i was surprised and delighted to hear, my ego likes the occasional boost, too. a final observation that showed he was still competing with me... silly boy.

teenage angst

there i go again.
down, down, down
the rabbit hole.

i go from room to room opening all the windows;
the night steps in with a shy smile fainting on his lips.
moon follows him, gathering up her skirts as she sits on the couch beside me.
smoke plays with my hair, smoke has light fingers.

a minute ago
i was aching for company
as if
i do not hate to talk.
 
a minute ago
i was trying to overflow
as if
i do not hate to cry.

a minute ago
i was writing a love song
as if
i can carry out a tune.

a minute ago
i was pouring out the coffee
as if
i will sleep tonight.

they were all right;
i AM nothing.

they saw the truth and i was blind;
i AM NOT meant to be.

(all that you lost
will never come back;
all that you will attain
will be diligently destroyed.)

here i am.
here is the night,
the moon,
the smoke.

as my craving for eternal solitude,
as my wish for infinite peace,
as my hope for never-ending silence
MULTIPLIES,
i find myself buried under piles of open eyes,
piercing regrets and loud worries.

(who are you kidding;
when was the last time you even cared?)

aşk

serin günlerde daha kolay olur sanırdım aşk,
ama rüzgar estikçe evin odalarında
benim seni hemen şimdi unutasım geliyor.

ikişer üçer tırmandığım merdivenleri hatırlıyorum,
koşa koşa bitirdiğim şarap şişelerini;
ne acele edesim var artık, ne sarhoş olasım.

yavaş ve ayık günler canımı sıkmıyor;
rüzgar estikçe evin odalarında
benim buralardan gidesim gelmiyor.

(limon kabuğunu sömürmüş tütünler
güneşin altında kurutmak lazım.)

confessions full of jack

i usually don't eat dessert at the end of a meal; i prefer to make a meal out of it. and no, there is nothing strange about having chocolate pudding for breakfast.

names

would you trade places with me? i'll give you all my books.
your hearts can hide under those hats that i possess.

(those hearts that like to collect skins, eyes and your favourite names;
those hearts that beat to angry rap songs and roam through nightmares, dreams.)

i have many drawers you can use and my filing system will do you good.
maybe then you won't confuse desire with destiny; peace might be yours.

let me trade places with you; let the broken clocks start ticking:
time wishes to hold my hand as i breathe; time wants to love me.

jack, i am not confused; the borders between us are nothing but knives. 
you don't truly exist, and my skin ceases to break.