i am as dirty as your favourite book.

i want to go drink from the wells of Yucatan; where they say the winds are born. 
gods are lords on those lands, and Lords are wind spawn.

i don't communicate through songs and quotes; quotes and songs communicate with me.

i have lost my loudness. i can't speak up, it's as if i don't want to disturb the world with my presence. even in the middle of nowhere i can't call out for her, who is ten steps ahead of me. it's as if i don't want the trees to know her name. i don't want them to hear me. i don't want them to hear me calling out for attention. whatever i need to say can wait. and maybe i don't even need to say it, and will not bother saying it when i catch up with her. i can wait to be heard if what i have to say is that important. and if it's not, i don't need to shout it out loud anyway.

2011-06-03
olympos-turkey

i don't love him then

something keeps turning in my stomach
i smack my hand if it reaches out
-we are not allowed to do that- 

his was a courteous decline
when my heart was offered
yet a decline nevertheless

they say love is not proud
they say love is patient
i am about to go on the ferry
i stop 
someone bumps into me
grunts and stares
"i don't love him then"
the ferrymen all look at me
i talk back
"we know he doesn't love me"
more people think i am crazy
thank god my smile freezes all thought at least momentarily

i want to run to him
my legs are stubborn
i want to wait for him
my days are long
i want to write to him
my words are defective

"i am an idiot then
what was i thinking
take me back to that moment
and i shall start all over again
i am an idiot now and then"
the bus driver is horrified
the passengers are confused
only a baby is smiling at me now
with arms wide open
all i want is to go and hug her
i can't even hug my mother more than 5 seconds now
i am afraid she'll hear the battle cries within my chest
i am afraid she might cry
i like the toughness of my acceptance
the mushy stuff of despair is lost to me

i fed my heart to the dogs once
they didn't want it for long either
and i got bored watching them drool and bite
but i guess i have a rabid heart now
can't you hear its mighty rave?

they say love is not proud
i will not cry
i don't love him then

don't blame me,
blame my mother and her language.
one word, the same one
means both to love and to pet.

the meanings shift and confusion prevails.
i stand a fraud each time the word drips from my lips, now do i?

remember, if i can't love, i can never be loved.

“Out on you! Be off!"

(Creation of Women and birth of a family based on Sanskrit Myths.)

In the beginning when Twashtri came to the creation of women, he found that he had exhausted materials in the making of man, and that no solid elements were left.  In this dilemma, after profound mediation, he did as follows:

The rotundity of the moon, and the curves of creepers,
The clinging of the tendrils, and the trembling of grass,
Slenderness of the reed, and the bloom of flowers,
The lightness of leaves and the tapering of the elephant’s trunk,
The glances of deer and the clustering of rows of bees,
The joyous gaiety of sunbeams and the weeping of clouds,
The fickleness’ of winds and the timidity of the hare,
The vanity of the peacock and softness of the parrot’s bosom,
The hardness of adamant and the sweetness of honey,
The cruelty of tiger and the warm glow of fire,
The coldness of snow and the chattering of jays,
The cooing of the Kokila and the hypocrisy of the crane and The fidelity of the Chakrawaka;
And compounding all these together he made woman and gave her to man.

But after one week, man came to him and said, “Lord, this creature that you have given to me makes my life miserable and so I have come to give her back again, as I cannot live with her”.

So Twashtri said, “Very Well” and he took her back.

Then after another week man came again to him and said, “Lord, I find that my life is very lonely, since I gave you back that creature, I remember how she used to dance and sing to me, and look at me out of the corner of her eye, and play with me. Her laughter was music and she was beautiful to look at and soft to touch. So give her back to me again”.

So Twashtri said, “Very Well” and gave her back again

But only after 3 days, man came back to him again and said, “Lord, I know not how it is, but after all I have come to the conclusion that she is more of trouble than a pleasure to me, so please take her back again”

But Twashtri said, “Out on you! Be off! I will have no more of this. You must manage how you can.

The man said. “But I cannot live with her.” And Twashtri replied: “Neither could you live without her”. And he turned his back on man.

The man said “What to be? For I cannot live either with her or without her”

Thus a family was born.

i have lost my muchness

some days, it is not easy to find inner peace. 
so i read, and i become zilch.
my consciousness sneaks into
some other reality and elif ceases to be...
so i write, and i swallow everything.
elif waltzes around with the others,
and the world is us. i am lucky;
i have Nothing and Everything to distract me.