i don't love him then

something keeps turning in my stomach
i smack my hand if it reaches out
-we are not allowed to do that- 

his was a courteous decline
when my heart was offered
yet a decline nevertheless

they say love is not proud
they say love is patient
i am about to go on the ferry
i stop 
someone bumps into me
grunts and stares
"i don't love him then"
the ferrymen all look at me
i talk back
"we know he doesn't love me"
more people think i am crazy
thank god my smile freezes all thought at least momentarily

i want to run to him
my legs are stubborn
i want to wait for him
my days are long
i want to write to him
my words are defective

"i am an idiot then
what was i thinking
take me back to that moment
and i shall start all over again
i am an idiot now and then"
the bus driver is horrified
the passengers are confused
only a baby is smiling at me now
with arms wide open
all i want is to go and hug her
i can't even hug my mother more than 5 seconds now
i am afraid she'll hear the battle cries within my chest
i am afraid she might cry
i like the toughness of my acceptance
the mushy stuff of despair is lost to me

i fed my heart to the dogs once
they didn't want it for long either
and i got bored watching them drool and bite
but i guess i have a rabid heart now
can't you hear its mighty rave?

they say love is not proud
i will not cry
i don't love him then